Certainly, the saying “There’s a thin line between love and hate” is true. Hate is a very powerful emotion. It’s even more intense when you feel it towards the person you love. In the beginning love rules and nothing else matters. For a while!
In part one of The Dangers of Being in a Love Hate Relationship, Mary went through a dreadful emotional roller-coaster of love and hate. All because of the man who brutally abused her, in the name of love!
Love turns to hate
Chantel and Leroy loved each other despite their explosive marriage. Their relationship was a cocktail of turbulence and calm. Leroy took care of Chantel’s needs. But when he was angry he often used her liked a punch bag.
Congreve’s quote, “Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned,” summed up her feelings towards Leroy. She was tormented by hate for him. Sometimes she thought about killing him.
When you wake up to the reality of love after the honeymoon period, you may question yourself. Why did I end up in this relationship? Why didn’t I see the signs of what he was really like? Why did I fall in love with him?
The real deal
Chantel ended up in a hospital ward after one of Leroy’s malicious attacks on her. “That was the last straw! I told him that I was not his punching bag. I made it clear to him that if he didn’t get professional help and stop abusing me, I was going to leave him. Permanently!”
Leroy’s terrible temper shocked Chantel’s friends. They couldn’t understand why she didn’t leave him. “I suppose it was hard for them to believe that we actually loved each other. Apart from his violence, he took care of me. I must admit though, at times it felt like love wasn’t enough. It couldn’t take away the physical pain. During those times I hated him.”
Leroy was aware of his problem. He eventually agreed to get help so he could stop abusing Chantel.
They believed the powers of love shouldn’t be so easily dismissed. They recently celebrated their 16th wedding anniversary.
Love and hate are closely entwined. You hate the person you love the most, because they hurt you the most. Hating them could be because they cheated on you, abused you physically, emotionally or you discovered that they are not the nice person they appeared to be in the beginning.
Men suffer too
Ben believes that emotional abuse is just as painful as physical abuse. He met and fell in love with stunning Tanya. She had a fantastic career and everything going for her. “It was a pleasure being with her. We shared some wonderful times together while getting to know each other.”
You can’t stop yourself from falling in love with someone, before you get to know them properly.
After a few months Ben watched easy-going Tanya change into a she devil. She became a possessive, jealous and controlling misery. He wasn’t comfortable with the way the relationship was developing. Tanya thought she knew it all and wouldn’t listen to Ben’s complaints. He tried to avoid her when he could.
Ben usually met his friends for lunch. One afternoon he had a surprise waiting for him. Pinned on his car’s windscreen was a note. It was in Tanya’s handwriting. “How was your lunch date? I hope you had some good sex!”
That was one of many bizarre notes she left on her journeys as she stalked him. Tanya always seems to know exactly where Ben was going.
Ben started to feel resentment towards her. He desperately tried to end the relationship. But Tanya wasn’t prepared to give him up.
“I was relaxing one night with a glass of wine. Suddenly someone knocked loudly on my front door. I opened the door slightly to see who it was. Tanya pushed past me. She headed upstairs and went straight into the bedroom. She took a good look around the room. She then went searching the rest of my flat for ‘the other woman.’ After she finished searching, she decided to stay for the night.”
Tanya kept telling Ben how much she loved him. He couldn’t bring himself to tell her how much he hated her sometimes. Her behaviour left him feeling cold towards her. It was hard to believe she was the same woman he fell in love with.
Things came to a head one day after Ben gave Tanya a lift. When they arrived at her destination, she refused to get out of his car. She begged him to let her stay with him. It took Ben more than 10 humiliating minutes of tug-of-war to get her out of the passenger seat. That incident attracted more than ten passers-by.
“I don’t know which was worse, the embarrassment or the anger I felt towards Tanya. I couldn’t take any more, so after that she had to go!”
Reflection and finding answers
I certainly will never forget the ordeals that Tanya puts me through or the love-hate feelings I felt towards her. She made my life hell sometimes. On reflection, I think it’s important to get to know someone properly (or at least try to) before you get too involved with them. Rushing in heart first can be lethal.” Ben pointed out.
When the magical feelings of love wear off, that’s when you become aware of the problems in your relationship. Sarah Litvinoff describes this as the hangover feelings of love.
“In romantic love the ‘hangover’ or ‘withdrawal’ symptom is disillusionment. It can be compared to looking at a garden scene through binoculars. First you look through them the wrong way. What you see is the exquisite beautiful coloured whole, too tiny to make out individual details. Turn the binoculars around and you see these details magnified. Wherever you focus, you seem to see signs of neglect and decay.”
Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. When you first meet someone the door gradually opens until a full view is revealed, showing the true inner self. What you discover can be disturbing.
There are no guarantees in love. However, it can make a great deal of difference if love is mutual. You’re then both ready to work hard at solving . Shared respect, sensitivity, consideration, genuine concern and commitment to honour each other are some of the keys to nurturing love and keeping hate at bay.
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Photo credit: Dan